“You Just Can’t Do It On Your Own!”   3 comments

A few weeks ago I had to take a physical.  I hate that paper they put down on the examining table.  It comes on that big roll just like the guy behind the deli counter uses to wrap your fish and meat.  It seems so antiquated.  Plus, I don’t feel it an effective front line defense against disease.  Haz-Mat people don’t wear protection gear made out of paper.  They use special plastic that does not tare easily.  And this is a doctor’s office.  Sick people are oozing all over these examining tables right through the paper.  It’s positively gross when you think about it.

Anyway, I’m laying on the meat and fish wrapper without my shirt as a very pleasant female technician in her early fifties gave me an ultra-sound.  As she rolled this device around my chest in this sperm-like goo she shot all over me for traction, she said she was glad I didn’t have implants. Apparently they make it hard to get a good image.   I said, “breast implants?” and laughed.  And she said, “No, men with chest and abdomen silicon implants.”  I ripped the paper.

Apparently not just a few, but a lot of guys have opted for surgery over the gym.  To me it seems like cheating.  You can get six pack abs and a Superman chest if you spend some time in the gym and eat right.  However, not all guys are meant to look like unnaturally mutated body builders. But they can still be in good shape.

I can understand women with the breast implants, because they can’t do curls and bench presses with their boobs to achieve a larger size.  Implants are their only resort.  I’m even alright with ass-implants.  If a woman has a flat ass, there isn’t much she can do to change the shape.  Of course there are always the cases of women going overboard with breasts, each needing their own wheel chair, and butts so big you can rest a glass of beer on their man made shelf.

Then I go home and am watching late night TV and see this dis-infomercial for Lipozene.  It’s packaged to look like a real prescription drug.  And the doctor-like girl in the white coat, similar to the one like the guy at the deli-counter wears, is telling you it’s a weight loss drug “only for people serious about losing body fat.”  I was distraught when I heard that because I just want to lose my double chin.  Not body fat.  Was I disqualified as a customer?

Then came the parade of head shot only testimonials.  My favorite is the black woman who just looks in the camera and croaks “You just can’t do it on your own!”  And this takes us back to the guys who have chest and stomach implants because I guess “they just can’t do it on their own” either.

Oh, and by the way, only two packages of Lipozine per customer.  The company doesn’t want you losing a dangerous amount of weight and is willing to curtail their profits for your safety.  Have you noticed Lipozine sounds like the fat sucking procedure liposuction?   I think it’s just a coincidence.

How does this relate back to Bipolar Illness?  It’s simple.  Managing bipolar is something with which you have to take active participation.  There is not one pill or a cocktail that will make it all go away.  You need therapy, exercise, enough sleep, to stay away from triggers and to take your medication.   The implants are like taking drugs, drinking, smoking pot or whatever else you do to not experience the side effects or the ups and downs of bipolar depression.  They’re for individuals who don’t want to get a handle on their condition by thinking it through and doing the right things.

Lipozene is just a ‘hail Mary” for people who have given up on finding the right drug(s) and or therapy.  They want someone to tell them they can’t do it on their own so they can give up trying.  When bipolar people head down this path they basically stop trying to control their moods and go on a fishing expedition for whatever they hear works for their illness.  They’ll tell you nothing medically has worked so they are managing their disease their way.  And every moron with an idea they think makes perfect sense for curing mental illness will lure them into their lair for a good does of false hope.

The point is, nothing comes easy.  And when you suffer from Bipolar Illness, things come even harder.  And it’s so tempting to take the easy way out, except there isn’t one.  Silicone pecks and a six pack won’t cure it.  Amazon woman breasts and a drink holder butt won’t cure it.  Lipozene at best is a caffeine-laden laxative, except it does cure engine knock when used as a fuel additive in your car.  And running around defeated taking non-prescribed mood altering drugs is the easy way out and never solves any of your real issues.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I like to drink a little and indulge now and then in mother nature.  I see nothing wrong with that if it has no ill-effects on my medication and mood.  But these things can not be what get you through the day or substitutes for the real medications you are supposed to be taking.

In a way, the Lipozene woman is correct.  Yes, you can not do it alone.  To fight Bipolar Illness you need a good psychiatrist and therapist.  You need the right medications.  You need to do the right things to keep yourself healthy and functioning at your peak.  This is one of those diseases that you constantly have to work at.

What really irks me about silicon implants for normal men and nonsense drugs like Lipozene is they take the responsibility completely off the individual.  They tell men it’s OK to be an out of shape bastard because it can be fixed with silicone.   And I’m positive deep down inside the guy with the artificial six pack abs and huge artificial chest doesn’t feel completely legitimate.  He is not any stronger, he just looks it.  Nor does the person taking Lipozene because they know if you can buy it on TV it has no pharmaceutical value.  But they hope, however hoping is for people who are not out there doing.  Furthermore, if you are just floundering around going on all kinds of wild nonsensical tangents to cure your bipolar, deep down inside you know you are just wasting time because you don’t want to do the really hard work it takes to get better.

I am not perfect.  If you read my blogs, you know I have made some pretty ridiculous mistakes.  But whenever I see that stupid Lipozene commercial with the woman exclaiming right into the camera, “You can’t do it on your own.  You just can’t!”  I end of calling them.  It’s automated so you have to pretend you are having trouble entering your credit card number to get a live moron.  When they finally answer and tell me my call is being recorded, I ask, “I need to lose weight in my right arm.  But that lady on TV said I just can’t do it alone.  How many boxes of Lipozene do I need to get rid of my arm fat?  Just the right arm.  I think I need a case of that shit.  You know, I tried exercising but you just can’t do it alone.”

Posted May 21, 2012 by Buzzkill - Official Booksite in Uncategorized

3 responses to ““You Just Can’t Do It On Your Own!”

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  1. As always, you make me laugh! That said…..I tentatively raise my hand as one always looking for the magic pill because well…..”I’m Bipolar! I can’t change!” It took me hitting rock bottom after 10 months of trying to find that magic pill for me to realize that the meds weren’t ever going to work if I wasn’t willing to figure out how “to do it alone!” Thank you, as always! By the way, your book will be here Tuesday 🙂 Just in time for the trip!

  2. Actually that woman (Mah Huzband said “Look at you!”) is WHITE.

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