Archive for the ‘bipoar with OCD’ Tag

Internet Pornography: Use Your Head   1 comment

The other night I found myself out of 25mg Topamax tablets.  I take 125mg in the morning and at bedtime as a mood stabilizer.  So I used a pill cutter to quarter a 100mg pill and more or less jerry-rigged the right dosage.  When you’ve been bipolar as long as I have been, you learn to improvise.

Well that protective covering on pills is there for a reason.  I woke up around 3am with my esophagus burning and the sensation spreading like a heat wave across my chest giving me horrific heartburn. When I stood up to go into the bathroom so did the contents of my stomach.  It’s like there was a wide open freeway between my stomach and mouth and not a toll booth in sight.  I felt like I just had the Imperial Indian Buffet and washed it down with a glass of whole whipping cream straight out of the container to achieve this level of heartburn and acid reflux.

Needless to say I stayed home from work that day.  And like any intelligent professional, I spent the afternoon looking at porn on the internet.  Obviously I’ve already seen some of it, but I never really crawled into the dark alleys and under the bar-stools before.  The thing that struck me is just how predatory in nature it is.

Of course, logging on is your decision.  But there is an amazing plethora of sites to connect with women who want sex in your area, sites to view and chat live with women, sites for married people to discreetly meet other frustrated souls for sex, sites to satisfy any fetish under the sun, sites for fetishes that haven’t even become fetishized yet, and hundreds of sites to get an escort to a hotel room within an hour.   You can have college girls, MILFS, cougars, dominatrixes…. Anything you want right there for the pickin’ if you have a cell phone and credit card.

And all of  the sites have free trial offers with features so limited the horny can barely enter their credit card numbers fast enough to become full members.  Most sites out of kindness keep automatically charging you monthly so your membership will never run out.  However trying to get someone on the phone to cancel is harder than finding a good restaurant in Dayton, Ohio.

Personally, I love how the porn industry has made the internet their home.  I remember the days of seedy adult bookstore like shacks set back from the road with gravel parking lots where customers never made eye contact. Also, there was the risk of embarrassment being seen in the adult section of your neighborhood video store by someone you know.   It even took guts to buy a Playboy at a Seven-Eleven when I was coming of age in the late 70’s.  I would have rather tried to buy beer and cigarettes.  Getting busted was far less humiliating.

But the internet gives you complete privacy to wallow in your fetishes. It even offers live video striptease where you run the show making the girl do anything you desire. You almost expect her hand to reach through your computer screen and grab your crotch.  Although it hasn’t ever happened as far as I know,  many of the girls are only too happy to meet later for a drink.

Theoretically the internet has given voyeurs the best quality and most choices of porn the world has ever seen.  And perverts are a small segment of the audience.  Everybody gets horny or curious and takes a peek at one time or another.  It’s human nature.  But if you are a bipolar male, and I am speaking to you as one, internet porn can make you obsessed.  Since we all often suffer from some degree of obsessive compulsive disorder, or are frequently looking for distractions to take our minds off of our undesirable mental states, it’s easy to get sucked into this world of free trial memberships, escorts just waiting for your call, married but horny sites filled with frustrated women who are dying to meet you and swingers and sex clubs which can make all your hidden desires come true.

Internet porn is addictive and it never sleeps.  And except for the really raunchy things, I liked it all to some degree.  But I also see my bipolar side becoming obsessed with it.  Some of the sites are so sophisticated you can talk live in a private session with a naked girl. Subconsciously I thought the longer I stayed online the greater my chances.  Chances of what? I had no idea.  Maybe there is a naked girl lurking out there in cyberspace waiting for me.

This was the beginning of classic Obsessive Compulsive Behavior.  If I had not been consciously looking for how and why it kicks in with internet porn, I might have become a customer.  And of course I made a conscious effort not to let it run my life by becoming an addiction.  I headed it off at the pass.  The problem is a bipolar male unaware of internet porn’s power to become another manifestation of his OCD can get sucked in with ease.

I’m a 46 year old heterosexual male.  I like to look at naked women and those in sexy lingerie.  I am very careful not to spend an inordinate amount of time online looking.  I think most bipolar men feel the same way I do and have a modicum of self control not to let it run their lives.  Online porn is not the problem, it’s people who can not  make it fit proportionally into their lives.  Porn just happens to be the catalyst.  But you can just substitute obsessive hand-washing for internet porn and you see the same behavior pattern.  Bipolars have to be vigilant not to become addicted.

I also see too much pornography having an emotional downside.  It makes women look less like people and more like objects men use for sexual gratification.  Moreover, many of these women are sex professionals, so when a spouse or a girlfriend can’t perform at their level, or won’t recreate specific scenarios, it can cause problems in the relationship.

Unfortunately, I am not able to speak about bipolar women and their usage of internet pornography.  However, if in the comment box women would like to write about their experiences, thoughts and concerns on the subject, I’d be more than happy to post them for all to read.

In conclusion, remember that sex and being bipolar can be a very tenuous combination.  Even the most self aware regarding their Bipolar Illness are still affected by hormones to which they have little to no control over.  When common sense might tell you enough internet porn for the day, your penis is telling you just a few more pictures or movies.  The feeling of excitement is overpowering.  And when the little head is talking, the big head isn’t listening.  And that is exactly why the internet porn industry has become so successful; guys can’t resist the excitement and keep coming back for more.

So, as a bipolar man, I say enjoy the pornography the internet has to offer.  Just understand the mechanics of your mind and don’t let it become an obsession.  It’s not a particularly savory one.  Nobody ever says, “Yeah, Bill is a great guy.  Did you know he spends five hours a day looking at internet porn?  He’s really committed.  I don’t know how he manages it with a family and part time job.”

Computer Dating with OCD: Desperately Seeking Seroquel   2 comments

The minute I officially ruined my marriage and drove my wife to ask for a divorce, I stood on the precipice of an imaginary barrier in my mind that kept me from seeing other women through 15 years of commitment, held my arms up over my head and exclaimed, “Divorce Court of California, tare that wall down!”   I was now free to roam the greener grass on the other side.  It was time to start dating and making up for lost time with the opposite sex.

As a bipolar II, I have always had issues with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  And this was going to follow me into my new life as a single man.  Suddenly I felt it imperative to make up for lost time while married.  In a matter of hours after moving into my new apartment, I joined two different dating sites and was frantically filling out profiles, uploading photos of myself I took with my i-Phone in the bathroom mirror and sending out “winks” and messages to as many women as possible in an attempt to fill up my calendar.

I was relentless.  Communicating with possible matches at work, in stalls at public restrooms, at home into the wee hours of the morning and any other time I could sneak a look at my laptop.  If I did not have plans for every night of the week, I was frantic.  I looked for women whose profiles I didn’t even like that much to see if I could fill empty slots.  And if I couldn’t, I go out to bars that evening hoping to pick someone up.  Redoing my profile, updating my pictures and trying to get to new site members before anyone else became my full time obsession.  At 43 I was sure I only had a few good years left of virility and a flat stomach, so I had to make up for lost time.

Throughout this period I lowered my standards, risked disease and basically put my life in danger in a couple of situations.  My online dating was completely out of control.  But I couldn’t stop.  I felt if I didn’t keep dating that “someone special” would slip by without me ever knowing it.  I could not let that happen.  Even if it killed me.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder does not just show up in the form of counting footsteps, always having to sit facing west,  checking that the stove is off 50 times before you leave the house or ritualistic hand-washing.  OCD is actually the minds way of trying to take control of a life that may feel is out of control.  For instance, a bipolar with compulsive hand-washing might feel that they can not control their bipolar issues, but by washing the skin off their hands they can at least control not getting a disease.

OCD dating is like compulsively wearing the skin off your fingertips by constantly working the keyboard on dating sites.  Like I did, people get a number in their head for how many responses they should be getting a week, how many turn into dates and how many progress beyond that.  When they don’t hit their number they feel unattractive and unwanted.  This can make them work the dating sites at an even more feverish rate.  Eventually it becomes full blown OCD.

As any bipolar suffered knows with the OCD cherry on top, you can’t just “stop it.”  That’s like telling someone who is clinically depressed to “just snap out of it.”  But here are a few tips for slowing down the online dating frenzy;

First, limit the amount of time you will spend a day working the sites.  Then fill the time with something constructive, like working out or starting a project you haven’t had time for until now.  This way you are not just slowing down, but you are doing something to build yourself up.

Second, get involved with some extracurricular activities or volunteer work.  Not only does it add another positive dimension to your life making you a more interesting person, but you will meet people instead of staring at embellished profiles on a computer screen.  You can interact with them one on one and actually form friendships.

Third, raise your standards online.  Only  message women or men that really interest you, not just for something to do.  This means the time you do spend on line is quality.  And the people you date are more likely to turn into healthy relationships.

Finally, try and get out of the mindset that everyone you meet is going to be “the one.”  Enter all communications with the attitude that you are making a new friend and if it goes any further, wonderful.  But if not, you were not expecting a torrid love affair.  You’ll be a lot more relaxed when going out and probably exude more confidence.

Of course some cases of OCD have to be quelled by drugs.  I take a drug called Clomipramine which takes the edge off of my OCD making it a little more bearable.   But I still have to constantly fight the urge to turn every day things into ODC rituals.  I still can’t walk away from my car without beeping the remote alarm to hear it chirp at least five times while the parking lights flash.

I’ve also often thought of going on a dating site and posting my profile with the caption: “Bipolar Man with OCD: Desperately Seeking Seroquel.”  My guess is I’d meet the girl of my dreams.